Missing Out??

The past few weeks have passed in a total blur where nothing has seemed real. I accepted a job in Spain, only to be invited to Hong Kong two days later for an interview. Four days later I was on a plane to Asia having been finally offered the redundancy I’d been threatened with for 18 months. A week later I’d accepted the job in Hong Kong and passed on the job in Spain. Two weeks on and I’m sitting at my parents house having  finished work and left London. Is this really my life right now?

My final week in London was filled with tears. People kept asking if I was excited about Hong Kong, but every time I uttered the words that I was actually moving there it felt like I was reading a script…lines written for me that had no relevance to my actual world. And I couldn’t really think about the future as the present was suddenly filled with goodbyes. And each goodbye seemed so strange, on the one hand it didn’t feel real…I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I might not see the people I hold so dear for so long. And yet on the flip side the sadness was palpable. I cant be excited about the future when I can’t see past the pain of right now. And don’t get me wrong…no one is holding a gun to my head, this is my choice and I’m not going to feel all ‘woe is me’. I’m blessed by such an amazing opportunity and all the possibilities that it brings…but I do feel sad right now. And that’s a testament to the friendships I hold so dear and the people who have such special places in my heart.

I honestly hadn’t expected it to hurt so much as I packed up and got into my car yesterday. I hadn’t expected the gut wrenching heart ache as I waved goodbye. I hadn’t expected to miss Peckham and Tooting and Clapham Common with such severity. But as I drove through those places I was hit by how much I’m going to miss. Pub quizzes and Sunday Roasts, climbing walls and pole dancing classes, church and theatre shows, festivals and gigs, football matches and rugby games and cheerleading competitions. And most of all…the friends I’ve made. London is full of so many incredible memories and I hold each one so close. I’m so grateful to all the wonderful, interesting and unique people I’ve met there and who have made my world that bit more special. Maybe I’d underestimated my emotions, because when you leave something so momentous behind its going to hurt.

And of course the doubts have snuck in. I believe everything happens for a reason, I believe in doors that are opened and opportunities that arise. I believe in taking those opportunities and walking through those doors. But I’ve realised I’m still allowed some hesitation and a few worries.  I’m realising that just because moving abroad is something I’ve wanted to do, the reality is still scary. The reality still comes with pain. Amazing experiences in life, though they should be appreciated, don’t have to come without sadness.

At the moment I can’t help but ask if I’m definitely doing the right thing? What if I’m leaving things behind that I should be staying around for? What if I’m missing an opportunity right here in the UK? What if what if what if…..

I need to remember that I cant live on ‘what if’s’….a wise person keeps telling me that no-one knows what the future holds. He’s also been right when he’s reminded me that every time I’ve been scared about a change in my life, its moved me to a better place. And although I’m recognising that I’m allowed to have doubts, I’m also recongising that maybe he’s right.

So for now, I’m going to try and appreciate the now. I’m going to take a few deep breaths every time the pain steps in and the tears fill my eyes and remember it only hurts because I’m blessed with such great memories…and I’m going to accept the glass of wine my mum has just offered me.

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Once upon a time…

So its official…and by that  I mean its on Facebook. I’m moving to Hong Kong….Moving…to…Hong…Kong. Actually MOVING there….to live!!

It totally doesn’t feel real.

Moving abroad is something I’ve thought about and wanted to do for so long and yet now its happening, I still don’t quite believe it. In fact I doubt it’ll sink in properly until I’m sitting on the plane out. But it is happening.

One of the reasons it doesn’t seem real is because, despite contemplating it for years, I’ve had to wait for other things to slot into place and for the timing to be right in order for it to happen. And I’ve certainly had to be patient over the past few months as the situation with my current job worked itself out. (OK, OK I wasn’t always  all that patient in the last few weeks but a person can only take so much)

And now I have to believe that everything that’s happened over the past few months; all the unknowns, all the waiting; has all been for a reason. Because I do believe in timing.

Last night I happened to be at a friend’s house and the friend in question lives on the very street in London where I first moved nearly 8 years ago. Now London is a big city and there are a lot of streets so to find myself back there felt quite poignant. After I left his house I decided to take a trip down memory lane and so, feeling sentimental, I drove to my old flat and pulled up outside. Instantly I was back in that moment in 2008 when I pulled up outside that flat for the very first time. I could almost taste the memory of being there, on the verge of something new, at the start of my London adventure.

As I drove home, I drove past Canary Wharf, The Walkie Talkie, The Gherkin and the Shard and finally I crossed over Tower Bridge. Iconic sights. And yet familiar sights…because, this once new City is now the place I call home. (Sorry to all my Northern girls…but I truly believe you can have more  than one home…Blackburn is home too fear not).

It was a gorgeous drive and I drank in the sights. I never get tired of driving over Tower Bridge, I never stop appreciating how privileged I am to live in a city where these things are all on my doorstep. Its one of the many things I’ve loved about living here and one of things I’ll definitely miss.

And when people ask why I moved to London my answer is always the same…I always wanted to live in London but I moved when I did because the timing was right. And prior to the move my dream seemed almost unobtainable…I’d managed to rack up quite a bit of a debt and the soaring rents in London seemed an impossibility. But I was determined to live here because it felt right, it felt like I was meant to live here. Its proof that dreams are nearly almost within reach if we want them enough because I found a way, even though my rent more than tripled after I moved.

So I suppose sometimes we just have to be patient, sometimes we have to wait. But never ever ever give up on your dreams.. they wont all come true at once but sometimes waiting for the perfect time means they’ll be all the more amazing when they do.

 

 

Change Is a Coming 

So I’m sitting at the airport right now about to board a flight that could literally change my life forever! It’s exciting! But also scaring me half to death! 

I knew this year was going to bring change! I’d planned it that way and it is what I want! But that doesn’t mean I havnt had a few second, third and fourth thoughts along the way!

Because, whilst I’m excited about new opportunities and new adventures there is a nagging feeling… Why do I want to change my life when I actually like it as it is! I love my friends, I love my family and there are so many fun and and exciting things going on right now; things I’ll miss out on! I know I could carry on with things as they are and be perfectly happy! Yet change is exactly what I’m planning! 

And change can be a scary place! Fear of the unknown is often always bigger than the fear of standing still! But despite the fear I don’t want to live my life based on ‘what ifs’. I’ve always been very much a believer in grabbing life by the balls and going for things… More than once I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ 

So as scared as I am…and sad to be making changes that will move me away from people I love. I’m pretty sure that I can’t be making the wrong decision here! Whilst we so often fear the choices we make, I’ve come to the conclusion that a choice to move forward is better than missing an opportunity for something amazing! 

I know I’m fortunate! I spread my wings because I have a secure foundation built on the love of my family and friends! People who will be there for me if it all goes wrong. And I’m so so grateful for that. 

So right now I’m going to take a leap into the unknown! 
So here’s to

the futue, to new memories and looking forward to what comes next!