The past few weeks have passed in a total blur where nothing has seemed real. I accepted a job in Spain, only to be invited to Hong Kong two days later for an interview. Four days later I was on a plane to Asia having been finally offered the redundancy I’d been threatened with for 18 months. A week later I’d accepted the job in Hong Kong and passed on the job in Spain. Two weeks on and I’m sitting at my parents house having finished work and left London. Is this really my life right now?
My final week in London was filled with tears. People kept asking if I was excited about Hong Kong, but every time I uttered the words that I was actually moving there it felt like I was reading a script…lines written for me that had no relevance to my actual world. And I couldn’t really think about the future as the present was suddenly filled with goodbyes. And each goodbye seemed so strange, on the one hand it didn’t feel real…I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I might not see the people I hold so dear for so long. And yet on the flip side the sadness was palpable. I cant be excited about the future when I can’t see past the pain of right now. And don’t get me wrong…no one is holding a gun to my head, this is my choice and I’m not going to feel all ‘woe is me’. I’m blessed by such an amazing opportunity and all the possibilities that it brings…but I do feel sad right now. And that’s a testament to the friendships I hold so dear and the people who have such special places in my heart.
I honestly hadn’t expected it to hurt so much as I packed up and got into my car yesterday. I hadn’t expected the gut wrenching heart ache as I waved goodbye. I hadn’t expected to miss Peckham and Tooting and Clapham Common with such severity. But as I drove through those places I was hit by how much I’m going to miss. Pub quizzes and Sunday Roasts, climbing walls and pole dancing classes, church and theatre shows, festivals and gigs, football matches and rugby games and cheerleading competitions. And most of all…the friends I’ve made. London is full of so many incredible memories and I hold each one so close. I’m so grateful to all the wonderful, interesting and unique people I’ve met there and who have made my world that bit more special. Maybe I’d underestimated my emotions, because when you leave something so momentous behind its going to hurt.
And of course the doubts have snuck in. I believe everything happens for a reason, I believe in doors that are opened and opportunities that arise. I believe in taking those opportunities and walking through those doors. But I’ve realised I’m still allowed some hesitation and a few worries. I’m realising that just because moving abroad is something I’ve wanted to do, the reality is still scary. The reality still comes with pain. Amazing experiences in life, though they should be appreciated, don’t have to come without sadness.
At the moment I can’t help but ask if I’m definitely doing the right thing? What if I’m leaving things behind that I should be staying around for? What if I’m missing an opportunity right here in the UK? What if what if what if…..
I need to remember that I cant live on ‘what if’s’….a wise person keeps telling me that no-one knows what the future holds. He’s also been right when he’s reminded me that every time I’ve been scared about a change in my life, its moved me to a better place. And although I’m recognising that I’m allowed to have doubts, I’m also recongising that maybe he’s right.
So for now, I’m going to try and appreciate the now. I’m going to take a few deep breaths every time the pain steps in and the tears fill my eyes and remember it only hurts because I’m blessed with such great memories…and I’m going to accept the glass of wine my mum has just offered me.