Moving On 

I’m not very good at moving on! Actually I’ll rephrase that… In practical terms, I’m fantastic at it! I’m always willing and ready to take my next step in live. Ready to move to a new town or a new country if that’s where the path takes me. My heart however finds it harder to catch up! My heart seems intent on living in days gone by and clinging to the hope of a dream that, I’m finally accepting, will never realise itself!

In the past I’ve often thought I’ve done it! And then I end up back at square one! So I can’t help but wonder why moving on is so hard to do! Why I struggle to let go and why I have an unwavering belief that things will be different this time, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Why is it so hard to let go??

I know I’m ruled by my heart and my feelings are fed by memories. This is the problem when you try to move on because for every unhappy moment there are a million happy memories that no one can take away! And our brains like to focus on these, pull them from our memory banks and wave them around like a red rag to a bull! And the recollections convince us that we shouldn’t actually be moving on! We should be fighting for what we have! But there comes a point where you have to realise that fighting for something that isn’t working, isn’t a fight you’re going to win.

Those close to me know how much I’ve fought over the past few years and that one of the reasons why I actually needed to move so far away physically was so that I could also move into a different phase of my life in my head and in my heart. But it definitely hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be. Baggage has a habit of travelling with you and freeing yourself from the chains of your mind is a difficult thing to do.

I’ve been In Hong Kong for 5 months and emotionally I’ve lived out one of the most intense roller coasters of my life. It’s still not an easy ride, but I finally feel like I’m breaking free and turning a corner. I’m in a place I know I’d never have reached back home.

Memories make us miss what we had, but missing is actually all part of moving on! Moving on isn’t easy or painless! It hurts like hell! But that pain is what makes us stronger! It’s what drives us to get something better as remembering what is possible helps us strive for new memories and new moments to cherish. Slowly, bit by bit we learn to look to make memories in tomorrow instead of living in memories of yesterday!

So here’s to the future, to new memories and looking forward to what comes next!

Change Is a Coming 

So I’m sitting at the airport right now about to board a flight that could literally change my life forever! It’s exciting! But also scaring me half to death! 

I knew this year was going to bring change! I’d planned it that way and it is what I want! But that doesn’t mean I havnt had a few second, third and fourth thoughts along the way!

Because, whilst I’m excited about new opportunities and new adventures there is a nagging feeling… Why do I want to change my life when I actually like it as it is! I love my friends, I love my family and there are so many fun and and exciting things going on right now; things I’ll miss out on! I know I could carry on with things as they are and be perfectly happy! Yet change is exactly what I’m planning! 

And change can be a scary place! Fear of the unknown is often always bigger than the fear of standing still! But despite the fear I don’t want to live my life based on ‘what ifs’. I’ve always been very much a believer in grabbing life by the balls and going for things… More than once I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ 

So as scared as I am…and sad to be making changes that will move me away from people I love. I’m pretty sure that I can’t be making the wrong decision here! Whilst we so often fear the choices we make, I’ve come to the conclusion that a choice to move forward is better than missing an opportunity for something amazing! 

I know I’m fortunate! I spread my wings because I have a secure foundation built on the love of my family and friends! People who will be there for me if it all goes wrong. And I’m so so grateful for that. 

So right now I’m going to take a leap into the unknown! 
So here’s to

the futue, to new memories and looking forward to what comes next! 

  
  

Feel the fear…and do it anyway.

On the 27th July 2012 I stood in a stadium in East London and danced in front of the world as part of the Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics. It was an honour to be there and a moment in my life that I’ll never forget. On the 11th January 2016 I was immediately transported back to that moment as I listened to one of the iconic songs that was played through the stadium that night. Its one of my favorite things about music, the power it has to transport us back to pivotal moments in our life. As you listen to those familiar melodies, the memories come back so vividly you can almost taste them. So for a moment this January I was back in July three and a half years earlier. The song that took me back there was Starman by David Bowie and no doubt we’ve all heard it a lot this week.

The news that David Bowie had passed away was met with sadness throughout the Nation and tributes and condolences could be heard on most radio stations. But whilst those around me expressed their heartbreak, I didn’t find my self feeling sad. Instead, as I listened to his music that day I felt inspired. Inspired by a man who was brought up in one of the poorest areas of South London and yet who rose to fame, not just because of his talent, but because of his willingness to succeed. There was no XFactor in the 1960s and so Bowie had to work. And he worked hard.  I’m pretty sure that in the space of his career he was told no more than once. Yet he was a man who didn’t shy away from boundaries, nor was he scared to make waves or tread new paths. I stand in awe at the way he defied convention and continually sought to reinvent himself.

As we began the New Year over two weeks ago, I looked at the blank pages of 2016 and wondered what I wanted to achieve. I’m not big on resolutions as such as I always break them. Instead, I look at what I CAN do and I always aim to try something new. Last year one of my ‘new things’ was pole dancing, this year its a blog. For different reasons, both have seemed terrifying as I’ve approached them. But I’ve learnt that the scariest things are usually the things most worth doing and it’s definitely always worth the risk. Failure only comes when we don’t try. Imagine what the world would be like if icons such as Bowie didn’t break the mould and try something new.

And so here I am, trying once again to make the best of myself, striving to achieve that little bit more. I want to look back at this year and know that fear hasn’t held me back. I want to be strong in who I am and brave enough to achieve everything I set out to. I’m not going to influence a generation like Bowie, but he has influenced me and because of that influence I’m going to spend 2016 being a little bit more ‘me’.

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Once upon a…real life

There’s a game that one of my friends used to own called ‘Would you rather…’ I loved playing it. Some of the questions were pretty tough…’would you rather be really itchy all the time or always have the need to pee?’…..’Would you rather be born with an elephant trunk or a giraffe neck? But there was one question I remember answering with ease…’Would you rather marry a starving artist you’re crazy in love with or a billionaire that you only like?’

Despite my love of handbags and travelling and many of the other luxuries that only money can buy, I chose the first option…only for my choice to be met with shock and consternation from some of my friends. Love can only get you so far if you end up living in a box on the street, they argued. Personally I disagreed. And I still do. I’d much rather be snuggled up in that box with someone who lit up my world than sat feeling sad and alone in a big mansion.

Maybe their option was more realistic, based on real life and the practicalities we all have to deal with (and the sunshine holidays we all love to take). I’m sure we can all attest to the fact that life often has a habit of getting in the way of us living out our dreams. After all, bills do need to be paid and romance and fairy tales don’t have much place in the real world. But I’m just not ready to give up on my fairy tale yet (and not just because I love the idea of waltzing around in a Princess dress).

Because it seems to me that the fairy tales we loved as children are so magical because they’re full of hopes and aspirations and unwavering faith in possibilities. And when we closed our eyes as children we truly believed in the Princes and Princesses and far away worlds with castles and dragons and knights on horseback.

And OK, I’ve grown up enough to know that my fairy tale isn’t going to involve Prince Charming turning  up on a white horse. In my fairy tale if I lose my shoe, I’m dam well going back to find it…(because if it’s going to be a fairy tale then my shoes are going to be Manolos or Jimmy Choos and you’d have to go back for those). And I am realistic to know that happily ever after takes work and a will to persevere through the hard times. But I for one am certainly not letting go of my hope, or my faith in the magic of love, or my eternal believe that it will be all right in the end.

And one thing the question in the game didn’t account for is the fact that in my fairy tale, I’m not waiting around to be rescued. I’m not fast asleep in the woods or stranded in the top  of a tower. So if a starving artist does stumble into my story I’ll support him if needs be. Help him publicize his work on social media or get an agent. (and no doubt encourage him to atleast take up some part time work in a call center or a bar like all the other striving artists out there) Most importantly, I’d like to hope that when i do meet the man of my dreams, whether he’s a starving artist or a billionaire…we’ll be in it together.

 

Message Received

So we’ve all done it! Casually written a text, sent it off into the etha and then waited nonchalantly for a reply. And in the same nonchalant manor proceeded to take pause from our daily business to cast a glance at our phone…. approximately every 17 seconds. Because obviously when I say casually I mean painstakingly. Writing, rewriting, consulting with a close friend about the exact wording of said text message, rewriting again, agonizing over whether to send the message at all and then, satisfied  you have the perfectly composed words: casual, aloof and not at all needy, pressing the send button.

I’m not sure if the makers of what’s app thought they were doing us all a favour with the two blue ticks, signifying said message had been read. Personally I think it’s a cruel form of torture…’I can see you’ve read it,  you eejit’ I often want to scream at my phone ‘why the f haven’t you replied?’

Even worse is seeing that they’re online….and still not responding. Not that I’m online too of course, checking once again to see if a response is being composed (Thank you makers of what’s app for letting me know they’re finally typing). It’s not that I have nothing better to do…because I do. And usually I am. I’m a busy person, a very busy person. And yet it doesn’t matter how busy I am, waiting for a response to a message is still agonizing. It doesn’t mater how many important or exciting things are happening in my day, I’ll still be wondering about the response. And I’ll be enjoying my day, dont get me wrong. But as a woman, I could be finding the cure for Cancer or swimming with dolphins or (and its more likely ) enjoying a drink with friends,  and a part of my brain could still be focused on waiting for a response to that FRIGGING TEXT MESSAGE. I just cant help it. It’s like having a computer with multiple tabs open.

Having consulted with a male friend of mine, I’m led to believe that this isn’t all part of an evil plan to send our brains into meltdown. More over, when a response is delayed, they are in fact contemplating their own perfect text and mulling over their response when,  something else comes up and the tab in their computer has to close down to concentrate on the task at hand. Only when this new task is complete can the tab re-open and they can deliberate some more over what to reply. (To be honest you could reply and tell me THAT…’thinking about what to reply…will text back asap…’seriously that would do).

So maybe I should stop worrying, a delay in response isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it doesn’t mean that the person is deliberately being ignorant, is staring at their phone in horror and subsequently deleting my number or is dead in a ditch.

However in the event, that my brain ignores the rational explanations that I feed it I propose that apple stop bringing out a new iPhone for me to lust over every year (and then spend 18 hours a day staring at waiting for responses) and instead work out a way for men to open up a minimum of two tabs at a time…after all even my basic PC can do that!

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Different Paths

So I’m back in London after another Christmas back at home and after much deliberation I decided that my new thing for 2016 would be a blog…we’ll see how far this goes, I have a feeling that as with the numerous resolutions being made across the country to lose weight and exercise more, this may have fallen by the wayside come February (or even mid January.)…But we shall see.

So as I said…I’m back in London after the break. Although really I should probably say I’m back home NOW give that this has been home for over 7 years. I hail from Blackburn in Lancashire but London is definitely home now…atleast it is at the moment.

Anyway, I spent my final day ‘Up North’ with two of my closest friends from University..well with them and their sproglets. As with many meet ups now I seem to be the only one who isn’t accompanied…by either a child or a partner. Not that I mind, but it does feel noticeable and it set my mind on a train of thought.  I often wonder how it is that two girls, with whom I shared a house, and so much of my life with at University, can be on such different paths now.

At Uni, all 3 of us were veritable party girls. We were always out, always had a  drink in our hands…and we were ALWAYS falling for the wrong men. And yet whilst my life has continued in that vein…they seemed to have trod the more traditional path, the grown up path. Mortgages, marriages and babies. And it’s a path which doesn’t seem to be crossing with my own. In fact my own path seems to be heading so much further in another direction I feel I’d need a rocket to cross the void. And I often wonder how it seems so simple for everyone else to arrive at that path and begin the journey along it, when it feels so far from my grasp. Do I have the wrong map? Have I misread the directions?

I genuinely see scaling Everest as a more achievable feat. Atleast I could map a training plan for that and make some realistic steps towards it. With my career I studied, got work experience, made contacts. But the same steps don’t apply here. Instead, my steps towards ‘the grown up path’  has led to more dating disasters than I care to mention…although I will treat you to some of the more comedy accounts in another post. It actually doesn’t seem to matter what steps I make, they seem to be walking me in another direction.

Personally I do think Tinder needs to shoulder some of the blame and maybe if the grown up path was more of a priority I’d be taking more grown up steps to arrive at it? Maybe It’s not a priority at all? Because I seem to make everything else happen…if I want to travel to Mexico I do it, if I want a new pair of shoes I find a way to afford them. So maybe the path isn’t that far away after all? Maybe I just don’t really want to get there just yet?

After all don’t they say….Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail….